Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
