your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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