): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
