Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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