i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
