just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
