Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
