Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize