Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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