I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
