Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
