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• (212): View more from New York

  And mexicans. My burrito likes you.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  3:26am: come over

  (847): View more from Illinois

  you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over

  (248): View more from Michigan

  4:11am: mnlodp

  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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• (434): View more from Virginia

  At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo

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• (210): View more from Texas

  I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.

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• (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I have jury duty tomorrow

  (207): View more from Maine

  I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?

  Fav 0 32 18

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