your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
