After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
