I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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