Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
