Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you made out with another girl for some wings
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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