Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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