The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
