Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
