A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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