allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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