Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
