Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
