My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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