Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im six kinds of drunk right now
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize