I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Bring me that man meat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
