no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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