Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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