I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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