Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
