think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
