my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
