It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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