I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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