I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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