Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
