didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
