I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
