dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
