How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
