census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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