all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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