I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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