Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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