also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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