i need an iv and a liver transplant
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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