you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
