Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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