I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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