Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
