i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
