i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
