Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
