i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
