You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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